As usual in a crisis, the BBC can look to Robot Wars for inspiration. No seriously…
I’m aware this article may have missed the moment slightly, but given the astonishing decision of the BBC not to sack Jeremy Clarkson last week following his use of the word ‘nigger’ during the filming of flagship show Top Gear, I wanted to see if anyone involved in the subsequent media circus would suggest the obvious next course of action for the corporation. To date, I don’t believe anyone has, so I guess it’s up to me: replace Clarkson as presenter of the popular motoring show immediately with Scouser DJ and actor Craig Charles.
Readers with sharp memories will recall that the BBC has previously made this exact presenting swap before on another staple of BBC2 (one that was far superior to Top Gear), the enjoyably silly after-dinner metal mash-up that was Robot Wars. The first series (which also featured Jonathan Pearce excitedly shouting “SERGEANT BASH!” before he became better known for expectorative football commentary) was hosted by none other than Jeremy Clarkson.
It was a terrible appointment that was totally at odds with the show’s deliberately indulgent look into the world of self-confessed geeks and their (often surprisingly successful) efforts at amateur robotics. Naturally the dull playground bully Clarkson missed the point, and spent most of the series making lame jokes about the competitors’ perceived unattractiveness or saying that their metallic creations looked like toasties. He was quickly replaced by Charles for the second series.
Craig Charles. Photo from Flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.
It was an admittedly a bit odd to begin with seeing Dave Lister talking animatedly about deathmatches and self-righting mechanisms, but in time he brought charm and apparently-genuine enthusiasm to the show, while simultaneously managing not to come over like a lecherous old goat whenever he talked to co-presenter Philippa Forrester, unlike his predecessor. He didn’t bully the contestants about being nerds – what would have been the point? – instead, he treated them mostly with genial indifference, and spent the majority of his time (or so I assume) coming up with couplets for the mini-poems that ended the show, which would always end on a dreadful rhyme with ‘Robot Wars’.
And it’s poems that underscore another reason why Charles should replace the BBC’s top bigot-for-hire. He started his showbiz career in his teens as a performance poet in Liverpool in the 1970s. He was funnier than Clarkson even then – his first poem was written aged twelve, entitled ‘I Want To Feel Your Bum’. It won a local competition.
Referring to himself as “the scally in your alley” he had a line in edgy social commentary which often featured race as its subject. In a 2009 interview with the Guardian he recalled a satirical poem of his about riots and battles with cops as an angry young man which featured the line “it’s funny how niggers don’t show bruises.”
It was his reputation for being engaged with racial and social issues that indirectly got him his gig on Red Dwarf when one of the show’s producers got in touch to ask if he thought the planned character of the Cat could be perceived as racist. He said it wasn’t in his view but asked to read for the character of Lister, duly winning the role of the last human being alive in the universe. So already, you’ve got a man who has a noted interest in the power and use of racially-charged language – one which is not based solely on causing indiscriminate offence like a bigotry shotgun.
But now that we’ve switched Charles in for one presenter, wouldn’t it make sense to do away with his co-simperers – the Apologist and the Weasel? Happily Charles can provide us with a pair of easy alternatives. As the former always appears in something of a funk, and the latter clearly doesn’t have a soul, why not credit these discrepancies to the license fee-payer and replace them (and the rest of the show) with a televised version of Charles’s 6music Saturday Funk and Soul show?
The lack of live music on TV is a frequent source of complaint among viewers, with only poor old Jools Holland providing any kind of platform on mainstream telly, and even then his show is too often dominated by plodding indie rock. This could be a real alternative music show, with a mixture of pre-recorded features on the history of blues/funk and soul and live performances. It’s a perfect like-for-like swap. Nostalgia-tinged commentary and jokes? Check. Raucous live audience appeal? Check. Scope for adventure-type features where Charles tries out the effects of some quality F&S on unsuspecting people around the world? Check. Iconic theme tune? How about Big Bird by Eddie Floyd? That’d get the dads off their chairs. Or instant cool with Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs.
Replace a tired old racist who can’t have much gas left in his tank (there you go, I can make a joke about cars too) with a dynamic Scouser that has a historical interest in media that addresses race with sensitivity and is already on the payroll. C’mon auntie, you know it makes sense.
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